SKIT: Manti Te'o fake girlfriend - what SNL should have done

**A parody of the Manti Te'o hoax in response to SNL's lackluster version this past weekend**

(Slow zoom, Sound of keyboard typing) Manti Te’o in ND jersey, hair gelled and slicked back sitting at a computer surrounded by some of his Notre Dame football teammates/bros looking at photos of a hot blonde chick come into Facebook chat.

BRO 1: Ohhhh no she didn’t.

BRO 2: Uhh yeah she did dude.

MANTI: Shutup guys, it’s not just about her looks. She has a great personality too.

BRO 3: Dude, you’ve never met her.

MANTI: Aaand...is that a problem?

BRO 3: She’s a face on the Internet.

MANTI: You can’t tell me that’s not a beautiful face.

BRO 3: There’s no way to know she’s real.

MANTI: Umm she’s totally real, okay? She’s a PhD student at Stanford who has sailed around the world in 80 days, climbed to the top of Mount Everest and survived a bear attack. God, she’s amazing. She’s like done it all. (Sighs in amazement) Her stories never get old. She's like too good to be true.

BRO 3 whispers to BRO 2 and BRO 1 (just let him keep going)

MANTI: Hold on, I’m Skyping her now. Then you’ll see...  

{Skype noise goes off for about 10 seconds until finally there’s an answer]

Black box pops up with no face or anything.

BRO 3: Okay, I’m not seeing anything.

MANTI (quietly to just the guys): She’s just - shy. I told you she survived a bear attack. The bear clawed a large part of her nose off and she had to have some plastic surgery. She just doesn’t wanna show her face. Is there something wrong with that?

MANTI (back to computer screen): Sorry, babe. Teammates (sighs) So curious and cued into reality...ugh. Anyway, how are you pookie?

Cut to split screen, LANCE ARMSTRONG appears in Yellow LiveStrong shirt

LANCE (in terrible fake sexy voice that any reasonable human being would perceive as fake): Heyy baaaby. I miss you so much. You were so good out on the field the other day.

MANTI: I know. Why didn’t you come to my game? I bought you a plane ticket and everything.

LANCE: Well uhh (pause) oh god [fakes crying]. I kinda got into a bit of a bind.

MANTI [very genuinely concerned]: Oh my god babe, what ha-ha-happened?

LANCE: Well uhh ok let me just tell it to you straight. Honest over everything, right?

MANTI: Duh.

(Back to one shot on Lance)

LANCE: So I was riding my bike through campus the other day and out of nowhere a bird swooped down straight at my face. It actually ripped one of my eyes out so I’m partially blind and wearing an eye patch.

MANTI: Ooo like a pirate? I’d be your sailor baby (in cheesy terrible pickup line voice)

Cut back to split screen

LANCE (breaking out of character into normal voice): Eww.

MANTI: What was that?

LANCE: Ohh nothing. But yeah the doctors don’t know if I’ll ever see your beautiful NFL future (pause) - I mean features - again. Right now all I can make out are your modest eyes and subtle hair (Manti’s eyes bulge out further as he strokes his heavily gelled hair).

MANTI: You’re such a sweetheart. I’ll always love you. And even if you can’t see me you can smell the beautiful roses I sent you.

LANCE: Ohh - of course (looks behind him questioningly at a vase of wilted roses).

MANTI: Can’t I just see you babe? You know I’m not gonna judge...

LANCE: No, no. I’m just not (pause - breaks out into fake tear sound) - pretty enough.

MANTI: Shut the front door. You are like so beautiful. Like more beautiful than my golden dome or the Heisman trophy or a unicorn standing next to a biiig rainbow with a pot of gold (turns to guys behind him quietly asking). That sound romantic enough?
BRO 1 BRO 2 nod and smile approvingly as BRO three shakes his head in disgust.

LANCE: Aww Manti you’re such a (pause, then with hesitation) sweetheart.

{KNOCKING AT THE DOOR BEHIND LANCE. He stays at the computer and doesn’t answer. KNOCKING GETS LOUDER]

[Back to split screen Manti & Lance]

LANCE: Shit - uhh I mean love you, gotta go...doctor’s here (abruptly ends call with Manti. Cut split screen. One shot on Lance at apartment. Knocking continues louder as Lance scurries to throw out syringes lying on the dresser beside his desk)

LANCE opens the door expecting drug testers.

Enter OPRAH WINFREY at the door.

OPRAH: I’m FAAAABULOUS.

LANCE: Oh god no - anyone but you.

OPRAH: Honey boo boo, you have nothing to worry about. Just tell me, yes or no (long pause -drumroll noise) Did you ever (drumroll noise). (shouting) Want a new caaaar?!?

Brand new car rolls out as game show music plays.

Lance grabs his bike and tries to ride away off stage as fast as possible.

OPRAH (screaming into the distance): LAAANCE, Laaa- aww, screw it - LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SAAATURDAY NIIIIGHT!!!!

Manti Te'o girlfriend hoax: What is 'catfishing'?

Published this piece to newsnet5.com Thursday morning after questions mounted following the Manti Te'o revelation.

In a press conference Wednesday night addressing the purported fake girlfriend hoax involving Notre Dame Linebacker Manti Te’o, the school’s athletic director Jack Swarbrick called the incident a case of ‘catfishing.'

“I would refer all of you, if you're not already familiar with it, with both the documentary called "Catfish," the MTV show which is a derivative of that documentary,” Swarbrick said.

So just what was Swarbrick talking about?

“Catfish” is a 2010 documentary about two filmmakers who follow their colleague Nev Schulman’s online relationship with a woman on Facebook.

The film tracks what ultimately becomes a ruse, the woman Schulman talks to posing as someone else through photos and a personality that weren’t her own.

MTV airs a series spawned from the movie, “Catfish: The TV Show.” In this episodic version, Schulman and his filmmaking friend Max Joseph help people discover the truth about their online relationships. They work to set up meetings, which uncover the mystery.

The show’s site defines the verb "catfish" as: “To pretend to be someone you're not online by posting false information, such as someone else's pictures, on social media sites usually with the intention of getting someone to fall in love with you.”

But the idea of "catfishing" is more complex. The term spawns from a soliloquy by one of the film version’s characters about catfish being put in a tank with cod and keeping them active.

People who "catfish" keep others on their toes but can also use the method to inject meaning into their own lives.

In a recent episode on MTV, one person "catfishes" because he doesn’t like himself and channels what he wants to be through the online personas he assumes. Meeting the person he dupes helps him realize the consequences of his actions.

“As hard as it is for me to get my arms around this, there's apparently some sport in doing this, in being able to do it successfully,” Swarbrick said.

Te’o is in the limelight, as much remains unanswered about the bizarre story of the Heisman candidate’s relationship with a woman named Lennay Kekua, who Deadspin reports never existed.

"To realize that I was the victim of what was apparently someone's sick joke and constant lies was, and is, painful and humiliating," Te'o said in a statement released Wednesday night.

Arizona Cardinals Fullback Reagan Mauia alleges he met Kekua in a story reported by The Big Lead.

Stories from numerous established and respected outlets, including ESPN and Sports Illustrated, cite Te'o's grief in dealing with the deaths of his girlfriend who had cancer and grandmother in a period of less than 24 hours.

Give Chud a chance

At their end of season briefing, Browns owner Jimmy Haslam called himself and CEO Joe Banner two of the most impatient people in the world. Haslam would be better off recognizing his Pittsburgh past to see that patience is the most important virtue in building a winning tradition. 

Friday morning, Haslam kicked off another new era in Browns history, announcing Rob Chudzinski as the franchise’s 14th head coach. 

The Browns need to do everything possible to make sure they’re not naming number 15 before Ohio’s electing a new governor or current high school juniors are saying bye to mommy and daddy. The two-year plans need to be put in the past. 

Chudzinski’s introductory press conference was good, if not typical, in many ways. It’s difficult not to like a coach in one of those. They tell you how they’re going to put a winner on the field and how excited they are to do it. 

But with Chudzinski, the Toledo native and Browns fan, the meaning this job holds all feels a little more genuine. 

“For me, personally, it’s the best job. There have been other head coaching jobs that I’ve seen or potentially had opportunities for but this is the one that is special to me,” Chudzinski said. 

Passion is what showed through when Chudzinski spoke for the first time as the Browns’ new head coach. It wasn’t just passion for the game of football but for this team, the orange helmets and the Dawg Pound. 

“I was the kid that in the backyard playing, pretending I was Ozzie Newsome or Brian Sipe or the greats that played for Cleveland,” Chudzinski said. 

You will never have to have the feeling this fall that the man on the sidelines wearing a Browns coat and headset will be apathetic to your cause. As you cheer on the Browns, take solace in knowing he understands your place. 

“We wanted to be in that stadium, in the Dawg Pound so bad that we would watch games in December out in the snow and we’d flip the TV around in the window so we could be there,” Chudzisnki said. 

Now Chud will not only be in the stadium but down on the field leading his favorite team, trying to prove that Haslam and Banner took the right risk. 

Haslam called finding a head coach an art and science. If it’s a science, it sure is an imperfect one. 

There’s no book on what type of coach is the perfect hire. Look at the head coaches who have won Super Bowls in the past decade. Half were fired and given a shot with another franchise, the Patriots’ Bill Belichick and Giants’ Tom Coughlin combining for four and Colts’ Tony Dungy another. First-job head coaches Bill Cowher, Mike Tomlin, Sean Payton and Mike McCarthy account for four and Jon Gruden comes in as an anomaly, a coach who was traded. 

All that says is it’s nearly 50/50 in recent history on what gets you to the promised land and yields a Lombardi trophy. 

Eric Mangini fit the profile of a Belichick or Coughlin, while Pat Shurmur was in the vein of a Tomlin. Both ended up out of a job in two years. 

It all comes down to personnel and patience. There were a number of times where Coughlin was on the hot seat but narrowly clung to his job. Had he been fired who knows if the Giants would have reached Super Bowl XLII and pulled an upset for the ages. 

Haslam should know that patience pays dividends when it comes to coaches. The Steelers, for whom he was a minority owner, stood by Bill Cowher through a 15-season tenure. Cowher didn’t win a Super Bowl in his first six years and after two sub .500 seasons in 1998 and 1999, he could have been on the hot seat. 

But Cowher became a Super Bowl-winning coach later in his career because the Steelers never cut ties with him. They hired him young, at the age of 35, and let him grow in the Steel City until he finally hoisted the Lombardi in his 14th season as Steelers head coach. 

In the past 44 seasons, the Steelers have had three head coaches. They also have 26 playoff appearances, 20 division titles and six Super Bowls in that time. The Rooneys do it right. 

Their model shows change is not always for the better in the NFL. New is not en vogue if you want a consistent winner. Whether Haslam gets that is up for debate. 

When describing the coaching search Friday, he struck a different tune than the note of impatience a couple weeks earlier. 

“"Joe [Banner] and I have both come from organizations where there has been little change in terms of leadership. This organization has had a lot of change in terms of leadership. We wanted to spend a little bit more time,” Haslam said. 

Chudzinski may not be the “sexy” hire. He’s not the big-name college coach or fired NFL head coach with Super Bowl experience. But he was the Browns’ choice and one they now need to stand by to end the revolving door of head coaches and establish a new identity as a formidable contender. 

It would be all too whimsical, a story written in fairytale, if Chudzinski could be the man to get his boyhood team its first Super Bowl title. Dreams can come true though - just ask Chud.

Mike Shanahan hinders Redskins chances, RGIII's health with QB mismanagement

Mike Shanahan's been accused in the past of having his players fake injuries. There was nothing fake about Robert Griffin III's knee injury Sunday, yet Shanahan failed to take him out of the game putting his player's health at risk and ultimately dooming his team's season.

As the Redskins were driving down the field in the first quarter, Griffin appeared to tweak the injured knee as he rolled right. The rookie quarterback still threw a touchdown on the drive, giving the Redskins a 14-0 lead.

But that was Washington's last score of the game in their 24-14 Wild Card playoff loss to Seattle. 

Failed drive after failed drive, Griffin continually trotted back out. There's no doubt in my mind he probably wanted to go back out there and fought to do so on the sideline.

His coaches should have known better.

Watching RGIII try to move on the torn up sod of FedEx Field was cringeworthy. One fourth quarter play call appeared to be a designed run, Griffin gaining nine yards, running on a limp out of bounds.

He should have stayed there and taken a spot on the bench. Long before that play, he should have been pulled from the game. That's what Shanahan would have done not only if he wanted to perserve his franchise's star player but win the game.

Over and over, it was more than evident that RGIII's knee injury was not one that was just affecting his ability to run but also to pass, rendering him a "non-factor," as Troy Aikman rightly pointed out. 

On an Earl Thomas interception, Griffin underthrew Pierre Garcon deep down the field, uncharacteristic of the rocket-armed quarterback. Many plays before that Griffin struggled stepping into his throws on that gimpy right knee, just as he did on the Thomas pick. 

Washington's offense thrives on the option read and getting the quarterback outside off the play action fake. Griffin's injury negated that. It also took away the threat of a deep passing game.

Griffin finished the day 10 of 17 for 84 yards through the air with just 12 yards rushing. After the first quarter, he threw for only 16 yards.

He ended his season laying on the turf after his knee finally gave out on a fumbled snap late in the fourth quarter. It was also the end of the Redskins' season, as the Seahawks recovered the fumble and took a two-possession lead.

Some will blame Griffin for wanting to stay in the game but that's just wrong. 

It is the fault of his coaches who could not see the obvious and pull the quarterback. 
The Vikings played a road playoff game with a backup who hadn't thrown a pass all season. Washington backup Kirk Cousins started and won a game this season. 

Cousins would have given the Redskins a better chance to effectively utilize their scheme, something Robert Griffin III, for all his talent and determination, just couldn't do Sunday. 

Not seeing that is on you, Mike Shanahan.