(Slow zoom, Sound of keyboard typing) Manti Te’o in ND jersey, hair gelled and slicked back sitting at a computer surrounded by some of his Notre Dame football teammates/bros looking at photos of a hot blonde chick come into Facebook chat.
BRO 1: Ohhhh no she didn’t.
BRO 2: Uhh yeah she did dude.
MANTI: Shutup guys, it’s not just about her looks. She has a great personality too.
BRO 3: Dude, you’ve never met her.
MANTI: Aaand...is that a problem?
BRO 3: She’s a face on the Internet.
MANTI: You can’t tell me that’s not a beautiful face.
BRO 3: There’s no way to know she’s real.
MANTI: Umm she’s totally real, okay? She’s a PhD student at Stanford who has sailed around the world in 80 days, climbed to the top of Mount Everest and survived a bear attack. God, she’s amazing. She’s like done it all. (Sighs in amazement) Her stories never get old. She's like too good to be true.
BRO 3 whispers to BRO 2 and BRO 1 (just let him keep going)
MANTI: Hold on, I’m Skyping her now. Then you’ll see...
{Skype noise goes off for about 10 seconds until finally there’s an answer]
Black box pops up with no face or anything.
BRO 3: Okay, I’m not seeing anything.
MANTI (quietly to just the guys): She’s just - shy. I told you she survived a bear attack. The bear clawed a large part of her nose off and she had to have some plastic surgery. She just doesn’t wanna show her face. Is there something wrong with that?
MANTI (back to computer screen): Sorry, babe. Teammates (sighs) So curious and cued into reality...ugh. Anyway, how are you pookie?
Cut to split screen, LANCE ARMSTRONG appears in Yellow LiveStrong shirt
LANCE (in terrible fake sexy voice that any reasonable human being would perceive as fake): Heyy baaaby. I miss you so much. You were so good out on the field the other day.
MANTI: I know. Why didn’t you come to my game? I bought you a plane ticket and everything.
LANCE: Well uhh (pause) oh god [fakes crying]. I kinda got into a bit of a bind.
MANTI [very genuinely concerned]: Oh my god babe, what ha-ha-happened?
LANCE: Well uhh ok let me just tell it to you straight. Honest over everything, right?
MANTI: Duh.
(Back to one shot on Lance)
LANCE: So I was riding my bike through campus the other day and out of nowhere a bird swooped down straight at my face. It actually ripped one of my eyes out so I’m partially blind and wearing an eye patch.
MANTI: Ooo like a pirate? I’d be your sailor baby (in cheesy terrible pickup line voice)
Cut back to split screen
LANCE (breaking out of character into normal voice): Eww.
MANTI: What was that?
LANCE: Ohh nothing. But yeah the doctors don’t know if I’ll ever see your beautiful NFL future (pause) - I mean features - again. Right now all I can make out are your modest eyes and subtle hair (Manti’s eyes bulge out further as he strokes his heavily gelled hair).
MANTI: You’re such a sweetheart. I’ll always love you. And even if you can’t see me you can smell the beautiful roses I sent you.
LANCE: Ohh - of course (looks behind him questioningly at a vase of wilted roses).
MANTI: Can’t I just see you babe? You know I’m not gonna judge...
LANCE: No, no. I’m just not (pause - breaks out into fake tear sound) - pretty enough.
MANTI: Shut the front door. You are like so beautiful. Like more beautiful than my golden dome or the Heisman trophy or a unicorn standing next to a biiig rainbow with a pot of gold (turns to guys behind him quietly asking). That sound romantic enough?
BRO 1 BRO 2 nod and smile approvingly as BRO three shakes his head in disgust.
LANCE: Aww Manti you’re such a (pause, then with hesitation) sweetheart.
{KNOCKING AT THE DOOR BEHIND LANCE. He stays at the computer and doesn’t answer. KNOCKING GETS LOUDER]
[Back to split screen Manti & Lance]
LANCE: Shit - uhh I mean love you, gotta go...doctor’s here (abruptly ends call with Manti. Cut split screen. One shot on Lance at apartment. Knocking continues louder as Lance scurries to throw out syringes lying on the dresser beside his desk)
LANCE opens the door expecting drug testers.
Enter OPRAH WINFREY at the door.
OPRAH: I’m FAAAABULOUS.
LANCE: Oh god no - anyone but you.
OPRAH: Honey boo boo, you have nothing to worry about. Just tell me, yes or no (long pause -drumroll noise) Did you ever (drumroll noise). (shouting) Want a new caaaar?!?
Brand new car rolls out as game show music plays.
Lance grabs his bike and tries to ride away off stage as fast as possible.
OPRAH (screaming into the distance): LAAANCE, Laaa- aww, screw it - LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SAAATURDAY NIIIIGHT!!!!
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