DIANE SAWYER: Breaking news this morning, people across the country waking up without lights, an electrical outage of EPIC proportions....a HUMONGOUS 'you can’t see me.'..a COLOSSAL calamity, the effects of which are being felt WORLDWIDE....
----
Text on screen Green Park, Missouri...see suburban home with sound of birds cawing, cut inside, woman in nightgown lying in bed next to husband, rolls over to turn on lamp, which doesn’t emanate light.
Wife: Honey, Why aren’t the lights turning on?
Husband: I don’t think there was a storm last night....
Text on screen Missoula, Montana....Old woman in nightgown in living room frantically pressing television remote buttons
WOMAN: This damn DirecTV. I’m gonna give them my two cents. Aww they don’t even deserve that much. [Throws remote through television] I’m sorry Kathie Lee and Hoda!!!
Text on screen New York City, working woman walks into her kitchen in black suit ready to begin her work routine
WOMAN: What the [BLEEP]. My Keurig’s not working. [BLEEP], guess I’m trekking to the Starbucks next door this morning, since my Starbucks Keurig WON’T start up.
Text on screen France, 'indie' people sitting around in dark coffee shop.
MAN: French sentence...[said condescendingly, rolling eyes] Americans...
-----
Fade in to Beyonce and Jay-Z's home, in the bedroom of their child Blue Ivy:
BEYONCE: Jay, put some more light on for Blue. She needs to grow and that’s the only way her beautiful mane is going to keep on flourishing.
JAY-Z [in rap form]: B, we’re wasting elec-tri-city -
BEYONCE: When Blue Ivy came out of my womb, she lit up my life. It’s all I can do to make sure she is in the spotlight every single day of her life.
JAY-Z: I got you girl. But I think we might need to cut back a bit. I don’t even use this much light at my Barclays Center in Brooklyn. I own the Nets in case you didn’t know [chuckles proudly to himself]
BEYONCE: My baby girl is not going to be afraid of the dark - I won’t have it.
JAY-Z: Well, we could get her a nightlight...
BEYONCE: She HAS a nighlight....HIT IT, ladies
On come hundreds of lights, string lights, white and colored, around the crib and walls, lamps pop on. Two random backup singers wrapped in glow lights emerge as Beyonce starts singing Ave Maria
Mid-song [about 10 seconds] music cuts, enter AL GORE
GORE: Stop the music, STOP THE MUSIC! We have a serious issue going on here Mrs. Z. You’re draining half the world’s supply of power in this home alone. I mean take the front of your house for example.
[Cut to crazy shot of a house from Christmas with hundreds and thousands of lights on the house and in the yard flashing]
GORE: You are sucking our resources dry and fueling global warming.
BEYONCE: Mr. Gore [pause], I respect you very much [pause] but quite frankly, I don’t need you to tell me I’m hot.
GORE [blushing]: At this rate, by 2030 -
BEYONCE [cutting off Gore]: Blue Ivy will be on tour with her mama lighting up the stage, heating up this great earth with our soulful LIVE duets (drops her mic) Any questions?
GORE: Well yes - yes I do actually, do you take the blame for your actions?
BEYONCE: Blame? Yes, I take full blame for being a female version of a hustler, bootylicious and LIVE FROM NEW YORK....It’s Saturday night!
No comments:
Post a Comment